1. MAKE A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH CARRY ON A REASONABLE CONVERSATION: For anyone who doesn't know, the parishioners of the WBC are the nuttiest, most misguided, most absolutely-batshit-effing-insane people on the face of the planet. From what I can tell, they think that every time some seriously bad shit happens, it's God lashing out at everyone who doesn't conform to their rigid definition of a "good person," which means not only a heterosexual, patriarchal, Christian, but someone who not only disapproves of, but actively HATES everyone who is not all of those things, mixed with a substantial helping of THIS MAKES NO SENSE BECAUSE THEY'RE CRAZY. Anyway, after the shooting at NIU, Westboro was making plans to protest the memorial services, and actually did picket the funerals of the six people killed.
My plan: I wouldn't trust myself not to punch the person in the face if I tried to carry this conversation out in person, so it would have to be on the phone. I would probably have to feign interest in their philosophy, ask for clarification rather than challenging their views, because there is no possible way to make these people back down. After engaging in sympathetic discourse, I would try to slip in a couple of dissenting opinions, eventually building to the question of why they feel the need to mess with absolutely everyone, especially people who have already been turned upside-down in a monumental way. Will it work? Probably not, but it's fun to think about.
2. DISCOVER THE FORMULA FOR WRITING HIT SONGS: From what I can tell, there are five things that make hit songs:
-Super slick production
-Some kind of repetitive hook
-An emotional appeal
-A sweet music video
-Absolute TONS of promotional funding
My plan: Combine all of the above to create a MEGASONG. I'd probably hire Butch Walker to produce, Chris Lord-Alge to mix. For a hook, it can be anything, so for the sake of argument, I'll use the line "It can be anything." Imagine that being sung in a soaring, super-dramatic type of way. Got it? Good. Next, let's settle on an emotional appeal. Vampires are super popular right now via Twilight, so let's make the song be about adolescent insecurity and the desire to be loved. "It can be anything," even a vampire, right? Awesome. The music video would, naturally, have shitloads of vampires in it. If possible, Rob Zombie to direct, but tone down the gore, focus on the moody atmosphere aspect. Now, assuming we're able to secure tons of money to promote this thing, doesn't it seem like we've got a massive hit on our hands?
No?
Yeah, probably not...
3. FINALLY CONVINCE SOMEONE THAT DAVE GROHL IS A BETTER SONGWRITER THAN KURT COBAIN: Kurt was damn good at what he did, you'll get no argument from me. He wrote songs that spoke to the disaffected middle class youth, the people who were fed up with being treated as insignificant, the people who wanted their hardships to be noticed and sympathized with. Kurt did all that. He also stripped all the pretension out of songwriting, and made it approachable--anyone could write songs using the same ingredients Kurt used. The problem is, after four albums, that formula gets a bit old. While it's impossible to underplay their cultural significance, Nirvana songs and albums kind of blend together to me. After Kurt was gone, Dave decided to take the songs he'd been doing on the side and bring them to the forefront. He's been doing it for sixteen years now.
My plan: Kurt was great, as I've already said. But while Dave's songs cover all the same bases as Kurt's (listen to the Foo Fighters' self-titled record if you don't believe me), he kept pushing himself to grow beyond that. Eventually, his songs went beyond angst and alienation, and pushed to romance ("Walking After You"), optimism ("Learn To Fly"), and even existential imagery ("Virginia Moon"). In fact, Dave wrote a better song about Kurt's messed-up life than Kurt ever managed ("Friend Of A Friend"). Without trying to downplay Kurt's greatness, Dave wins in my book.
